Malik's Bad Idea

When Malik gets high, he gets fucking HIGH, okay.

Since he was just a boy, Malik had dreamed of attending a live meeting of the United Nations in his homeland of Ghana. Finally, he had made it.

He hadn't smoked what he referred to as "giggle bush" since college, when he studied World Affairs at the University. It had always led to embarrassment for Malik, although he thoroughly enjoyed the euphoric sensation it would give him.

When he saw two prominent statesmen who represented the Republic of Ghana, incospicuously mulling around a truck loading area outside the convention, Malik saw an opportunity to express his admiration and shake hands.

He thought it might seem disrespectful to decline their offer of some "fine Ghana smoke," so he took a few tokes from their poorly rolled joint.

The next 15 minutes were a blur. But somehow Malik bullshitted his way backstage with his new friends, and was hobnobbing with international political figures he had only read about and seen on tv.

Since he had shaved his goatee the previous Summer, Malik had been told a few times that he mildly resembled the Prince of Umbassa, so he decided to have a little fun and pretend to be royalty for the day.

When Malik finally stepped up to the podium after much coaxing from several world leaders, he realized he was WAY too high for this.

Annnnnnd a side of bacon.

"Sir!!! You're a cat... and you're Jewish. I don't think I can serve you this plate of bacon."

"BUT I LOVE BACONZ!!!!!!!"

Watcha dees!

"Ms. Fujimoto, have you prepared the annual demographics summary for today's meeting?"

"No. I a busy catcha fry wit chopsick."

"I'm sorry Ms. Fujimoto you're busy with what exactly?"

"I tell you. I can catcha fry. Washa me do it."

Dat Wedding

"That was a motha fuckin party," Shavonda groaned to Darius, her new husband, as the two woke up in bed the first day of their honeymoon.

Darius had proposed to Shavonda over a chili dog lunch just two days before and now they were married. Life together was going to be an exciting journey.

Five months ago she had become a wedding planner, something she had been dreaming about since her 7th birthday. Since that time she had only actually planned one wedding, but had attended two other weddings during that time and helped serve punch to guests at another.

Shavonda: "Hey we gots any mo weed? I'm hungover as FUCK."

Darius: "Naw girl, we done smoked all dat befo da wedding."

Shavonda: "Oh dats right... well shit, I could use som'a dat right bout now. Hey is dat Tianna's camera ova dere!?! Gimme dat (spotting her sister's digital camera sitting on the nightstand)!"

-POWER ON-


Shavonda: "Here Tianna and I right fo we delivered the invitations on Thurday and just after I finished makin my dress. Yo Tianna flashed a school bus dat night and spit in a cops face."


Shavonda: "Oh here da wedding, this a good one. I look high as fuck!"


Shavonda: "Da fuck!"


Shavonda: "Oh this one nice."


Shavonda: "Look'ech'you, you all hiiiiiigh!"


Shavonda: "Oh I know you was lookin at my brown suga. You a dirty motha fucka when you be gettin high."

Shavonda: " Shit we made dem wedding cakes all upside down when we was high. But dem cake holders lookin nice, all shinney and shit."

Shavonda: Oh this be the best part too.. remember gettin all crunk at da reception, Tianna was stright hypin dat shit! Naw we didn't get too many pictures, but dey all good."

Seal Gets Stuck

In a surprising series of events last Thursday, singer/actor/model Seal was pinned behind an arcade-style video game machine at a popular shopping mall in West Hollywood.

Eye witnesses told police that the artist had been hanging around the arcade entrance for several hours, blowing up and handing out balloons to children.

Later he was reported to have been wandering from machine to machine, "pretending" to play video games, without inserting any coins.

According to arcade management, Seal became agitated when asked to leave the premises, and shouted obscenities at a group of elderly onlookers.

When he was told police had been called, the artist wedged himself between a wall and an out-of-service game machine, where he became stuck and was having trouble breathing.

After fire officials removed Seal from the space, 16-year-old arcade shift manager Steve Ludemoore was arrested on charges related to the unsafe nature of the establishment's gaming facilities.

Seal (file photo)

Going for Broke

"Hey pops! You better get the hell outta here. This turf is for serious moto-shredders only!"

That was the last time any of the raceway locals talked shit to 54-year-old Walter Jorgenson.

They all laughed when Walter walked his bike out by the handlebars, while wearing his black leather unisex sandals.

They kept it up as he struggled to swing his leg over the seat of his Honda. Walter knew he had to show them what he was made of.

He had never tried a wheelie before, but he had seen it done. He felt he understood the raw physics well enough to pull it off.

On the way to the hospital, Walter reflected on the incident at the track that day. Sure, his motorcycle landed on him. Yes, he was almost killed. True, he couldn't feel his legs. But for that one moment...when the bike was completely vertical, the engine was roaring, and the crowd was gasping...he had never felt so alive!

New Hire

When Herschel "Hurricane" Jenkins does a job, he does it right...the first time. The bitch ass parade coordinator didn't know that though.

"Ummmm...Hurricane, you're not done setting up the chairs, are you?"

"Yeah. Where ma foty ounce at?"

"Uhhhhh...they're all messed up, Hurricane. And there's debris all over the place."

"I know you ain't trippin. I said where ma foty at!"

"Hurricane, I already explained that I can't pay you in liquor. Hey, where's my assistant you had to work with?"

"That muthafucka got stabbed."

"Oh, okay......wait, what do you mean 'stabbed'?"

The Next Big Thing? Maybe.

Since Black Tuesday, the great Wall Street Crash of 1929, investors and market speculators have been carefully analyzing research data, crunching numbers, and monitoring consumer habits. They're watching like hawks for the next "it" product to jumpstart the American economy back into the global marketplace. And they might have just found it.
Hoshi Kazu is the inventor of (what translates in English to) the "woman's legs pillow." He agreed to participate in this short interview with us, via email:

Wildmans High: How did you come up with the idea for the pillow?
Kazu: It make a pillow with a legs. Maybe you can like it!

WH: What type of reactions to your product have you seen so far?
K: I like rest on it. Some time you can have a nap.

WH: What kind of impact do you think this will have on the global market?
K: A leg is for a pillow I think. To make you have a sleep is to be comforting you.

WH: Have the offers you've received exceeded your expectations?
K: You put his face on sleeping pillow? He is having time with womans legs. It has make him tired!

WH: Where do you see this product in 10 years?
K: Haha. You are like old Japan proverb! He say "A man who has no dragon, he can go to heaven. But if a man give an elderly golds, he can have many fine treasure."

WH: Thank you for your time. Is there anything you would like to add?
K: I like seeing womans and for touching them!

A note from our radical jihad readers

"fuck you all you fucking bastard on this website.. you want to spoil the reputation of islam by hiring those shit face girls....... your the shit and the most fucking and idiot assholes

and, also kindly

israel fuck you bastared"

Ruben's Party

The following is an actual, time-line account of Ruben's office party last week.


9:21pm- Guests begin to arrive. Sam and Karen show up together. Karen already seems a little wasted. Sam confides to Ruben that he expects to finally get laid that night.


9:38pm- The creepy new guy from accounting walks in alone. Ruben knows neither the man's name, nor how he heard about the party. Ruben shakes his hand and says, "hey, man." The new guy says nothing.


9:57pm- A few groups of Ruben's friends show up, and the party is underway. Snacks, jungle juice, and beer are passed around. Spurts of laughter and lots of chatting tell Ruben the night is off to a great start.


10:14- Ruben realizes the office hotties are at his party. He hopes to talk to them later.


10:30- Loretta arrives. She's a very sweet woman with a severe hormonal imbalance. Everyone at work is extremely careful to treat her with dignity and respect- just like another one of the gals. Ruben knows Loretta has had a crush on him for months. He is not happy she came to the party.


10:43- Loretta gabs with her friend Susan. During the conversation, she repeatedly asks, "Is Ruben looking over here? ...What about now? ...now?"


11:22pm- After 4 shots of Captain, Loretta is fairly drunk. She decides to take her shoes off, and sit spread-eagle style next to the creepy new guy. She hopes sitting close to him will make Ruben jealous. Instead, Ruben is very embarassed, as everyone knows what's going on.


11:56pm- Loretta produces a cigar from her bra. She is now completely tanked, and making overtly sexual gestures at Ruben from across the room.


12:20- Fed up, Ruben enlists the help of Sandra, the office bitch. With an old pair of novelty handcuffs, Sandra chains Loretta to a radiator in the basement until morning.

What have you done with my friend!?!

Janice, the neighborhood's self proclaimed detective, had seen one too many Murder She Wrote's to be fooled by any such "best friend old lady" disguise.

Irma had been acting strange all day, not like herself... that's for sure. Her cats hadn't been let out until a quarter to six that morning and "Irma" hadn't even combed her bald spot over when she opened the front door to set the empty milk bottles on the porch, about 20 minutes later.

After setting up a fake voting booth in her living room, Janice called Irma and told her to come over right away and vote at her house. At half past noon, "Irma" was sitting in Janice's living room... voting.

Although there was no known election scheduled for anything at all, Janice had created a ballot that only the real Irma could answer correctly. It was time to find out once and for all just who the heck this impostor "Irma" was!

Now if Janice could just get a small peep at that ballot...

HOAX!

The world famous "Biker Bigfoot" photo has finally been exposed as a fake.

Taken anonymously in March of 2004, sasquatch enthusiasts have considered the picture undeniable proof of the creature's existence. Recently, a friend of the elusive photographer admitted publicly to wearing a monkey suit and posing for the picture on the back of his 2000 Honda ZX.

Since the photo's first appearance in Nickelodeon Magazine, cryptozoologists and professional analysts had agreed wholeheartedly on its legitimacy.

"It comes as a shocking blow to the entire crypto-community," said self proclaimed bigfoot expert, Corey L. Wright. "We want people to understand that we didn't drop the ball here by not identifying this as fraudulent. This is one cool character, with the skill to fool even the most trained sasquatch slueth."


Wright, seen here under close supervision

Wedding Night

Steve and Laura were in love. They met in college, started dating and had been inseparable ever since.

"Laura, my sweet?" Steve would often say.

"Yes, my dove?" Laura would reply.

"I'm so glad we waited 5 long years to consummate our love. After the wedding, our first night together will be magical!"

Planning the wedding was exciting for both of them. Steve decided to invite all his close buddies from college. One in particular was his old roommate, Reggie Gould. Steve cut loose a little bit in college, drinking a few beers on the weekends, despite his strict conservative upbringing. Reggie, however, had been partying with his older brothers since age 12.

The two of them got along very well though, except for a week-long, heated argument once, over Reggie's choice of pornographic wall decorations around his own desk area. Steve did not enjoy Reggie's constant practical joking, either. Some he felt was sorta funny, but some jokes were very embarrassing for Steve. This had him a little worried about inviting Reggie to the wedding. But he couldn't leave out a good friend.

A week before the big day, Reggie told Steve over the phone that he had pulled some strings, and reserved a luxury suite for the couple on their wedding night as his gift.

"It's all set, bro. It's a sick room, you'll love it."

Reggie missed the ceremony, but was hanging out in the parking lot of the reception facility long before any other guests arrived. He was wearing a T-shirt that read "Party Naked" on the front, and advertised Cabo Wabo on the back. To his credit, he did have slacks and dress shoes.

"What the hell are you wearing?" asked Steve's cousin, a groomsman.

Reggie explained he lost his dress shirt during the "pre-party."

The reception went well. People danced and Reggie drank. He made several impromptu toasts on the dancefloor, but then cut out early, to the surprise of many at the wedding.

"I gotta meet some people outside," he slurred to a friend before leaving.

The celebration came to an end, and Steve and Laura dashed off to finally have their first night together.

"Be gentle, Steve. I'm so nervous," Laura whispered on the way.

"Don't worry, so am I. It's going to be wondrous."

They rushed into the bedroom, leaving the lights off. About 20 minutes into their love making, they heard snickering coming from inside the room. Suddenly, the lights turned on to reveal a room full of unfamiliar faces, laughing wildly

and of course old Reggie, with a camera.

New Neighbor

"Hey, have you met the guy that moved in next door yet?"

"Yeah, I went over there and met him. His name's Richard. He's cool for a head."

"He's cool for what?"

"For a head. He's just got like a head and that's it."

"He's ahead of what? like ahead of the game?"

"No man, that's all he is. He's just a fucking head."

"Oh, he's got like a huge melon or something?"

"Well...yeah, and nothing else. Cool guy, though. He smokes weed and partys and shit."

"Nice. Have him over."

Bad place to blackout

Never would it be so easy for the Giggling Dragons to bring a U.S. Sailor back to their crib. Clearly it was his first time to Tokyo... as well as consuming roofie tainted sake. When he had signed up for the Navy, this situation had never crossed his mind. But now the world had quickly become a very scary and confusing place.

Pimple faced, military glasses wearing, Private Steve Whittmore met Haru, Hiroshi and Raidon when he mistakenly stumbled into the Puckered Blowfish, drunk and began asking where he could get a spicy tuna roll. The four shared a shot of sake and then things became blurry for Steve.

Although the Navy's Port Security had warned sailors about "Kagami-Yamahana's" (aka Japanese Gay Caves), Steve hadn't paid much attention, he was busy playing Tetris on his watch. Even now, with multiple substances clouding Steve's mind, he somehow felt things were going to get much worse.

Read it and weep, fellas

SEE! I freakin told you faggots I almost got a handjob! Dude, that trip was AWESOME! If I woulda remembered deodorant that day, she woulda done it. Jeremy was all passed out and stuff, it was the perfect set up. Oh, and she was totally digging my sandals you guys always make fun of. Yeah, not real funny now that I almost got a handjob cause of them!

You know, you dudes could learn a lot from a mack daddy like me. Truth is, I told Jeremy to act passed out. I traded him my Oreos so he would.

And so maybe I didn't technically get an hj. Have any of you boys ever carried a hiking pack 3 miles for a chick like that?? didn't think so!

P.I.M.P.

Rondell drop kicked the door to the funeral home wide open, punched some old man in the neck and stuck his 9mm right in Mrs. McHutchenson's old lady face.

Was this bitch trippin? Did she think Rondell Redshaw, the world's most pimpest Vampire was gonna be sleeping in some closed up wooden coffin without a fuckin fuzzy steering wheel and a Cadillac emblem on the front of it?

Rondell slammed a napkin down on the desk with a hand drawn picture of how he wanted his whip pimped out.

"I betta not hafa come back neitha. Get me my platinum coffin wiff a grill, headlight and wheelz, or I'ma crip all ova this motha fucka. You feel me, ho!?!"

He popped the collar of his crunch berry colored shirt and C-walked out the front door. Ain't nothing more important to a vampire pimp than the coffin he be chillin in.

He's finally gonna learn to play

The guys at Guitar World knew they had a sucker on their hands as soon as the old man walked through the door. In fact, they saw it as an opportunity to finally sell the completely impractical "El Diablo." Hand built by a reclusive tribe of natives, high in the Mexican mountain country, this model was not cheap.

"This one here?" Arthur said, picking up a banjo.

"No, no. The one right above that," the guys told him.

"This one? This is a beginner guitar?"

"Yeah, dude. If you wanna learn, that's your axe, man," said Steve, shift manager.

"uuhhhh...okay. I'll take it, I guess."

Black Meat Market

Officials in the Bay Area warn residents to keep their cats inside as their pets may no longer be safe roaming around their own neighborhood. With the number of missing cats rising, officials fear illegal activity may be to blame.

Its long been an overlooked eating habit of San Francisco's Chinatown, but the buying and selling of cat meat is now becoming a serious issue. The once foreign imported supply of meat being used in Chinese restaurants and homes is now almost entirely illegally grown within the city's limits.

With ever increasing shipping costs and highly inflated prices on Chinese grown cat, San Francisco's black market has quickly become the main provider of feline meat. Feeding the cats a wide range of highly fatty foods, such as fried pork and whipping cream, a single cat can weigh up to 80 lbs.

"Am I mad? You bet I'm mad! We're dealing with ghosts here. Our biggest problem is that the people growing these cats aren't centrally located. They don't have a cat farm, they aren't domesticating these cats and raising them in a controlled location like people cook meth... no," said Juan Carboneras, Director of San Francisco's Problematic Foods task force ", they're feeding everyday outdoor family cats, fattening them up and then abducting them and we're all eating them."

In an attempt to avoid detection, black market cat farmers are relying heavily on the population of outdoor family cats that roam neighborhoods through the greater Bay Area. By the time their owners even realize what has happened, its too late.

To date, San Francisco Animal Control reports 850 missing cats since April 2007. Cat meat on the black market sells for $9.00 per pound.




Black market farmer: Identity unknown, showing off a kidnapped cat.

Gay the gay

Meet Gay Hamilton.

Not only is Gay her first name, but she also happens to be a lesbian.

But it's not Gay's "gayness" that has caused her trouble with her local Internet service provider. It's her name.

According to the New Zealand Herald, Gay was sent a less-than-happy e-mail response from Telecom, the company from which she sought broadband service in the city of Nelson.

Apparently, Gay is just too "gay" for Telecom's e-mail.

The automated reply the woman received read: "[Your email] was identified by our content filtering processes as containing language that may be considered inappropriate for business-like communication. ... The content which caused this to happen was ... 'gay' eight times, at two points each, for an expression score of 16 points."

Hamilton was shocked. Never before had something so totally gay happened to her.

"I was pissed. Yeah, I'm a fuckin' lesbian, and yeah I like to scissor with my girlfriend. What the fuck does my internet provider have to do with it?! I'll kick whoever's ass I need to is what's up now."

Telecom has since apologized to Gay, but is still keeping its list of offensive words under wraps.

Melissa Etheridge is reportedly organizing a candlelight benefit tour to raise awareness of Hamilton's situation.


Etheridge, seen here about to
get it on with the lady from Jurassic Park